Those Citi board minutes in full
New York, New York
Nov. 5 2007
The meeting was called to order by the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer, Mr Charles Prince, at 11:00 am.
- Identity
It was agreed unanimously that the corporate logo blue would henceforth be royal blue. - Parking policy
The new parking policy was adopted unanimously. - Anti-spam policy
The new anti-spam policy was adopted unanimously after confirmation, at the request of the Internal Phishing profit center, that it would apply only to incoming messages. - Operations review (The chairman)
We’ve written down a small charge against our mortgages, credit cards and personal loans of $US 3 quadrillion.
We've agreed to merge with Bank of America, which has similar poo, and is into Angelo Mo’Sella for two bills. So far. The new entity will be called Citi of America. Or Bank of Citi. Not sure yet. The Fed will be the primary shareholder, which will get that other Prince, Alwaleed bin Talal, off my case. - Personnel (The chairman)
We’re going to fire 30,000 people.
We’ve fired the chairman & CEO. Hang on, that’s me. Didn’t Bob just...
Mr Prince’s presentation was interrupted by the floor opening beneath his feet.
The meeting concluded at 11:07 am.
PRESS RELEASE
BANKCITI SETS NEW EXECUTIVES, NAME CHANGE
NEW YORK, New York—Nov. 5 2007—(Business Wire): Bank of Citi announced today that Greg Newton, formerly Director of Blog Total Quality Assurance, will become Chairman and Chief Executive, with immediate effect. David S. Products, a former deputy Secretary of the Treasury, will join the company to go to lunch with important people and make telephone calls congratulating the chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, the bank’s new core shareholder, on his measured and appropriate response to Wall Street tantrums.
Newton and Products said that Bank of Citi will in future be known as The Entity Thingamajig, to indicate its core strength and integrity allied with a friendly, responsive customer-facing paradigm that will be its core mission. Consultants Drekk Image & Wiper oversaw the rapid development and implementation of this imaginative, far-reaching and paradigm-altering core paradigm.
“Our new motto—Poo ne Ultra, Latin for ‘Our Poo Hardly Stinks At All’—speaks to our determination that we will never again do any of that systemic-type stuff,” Newton said.
"We also intend, as part of that program, to further diversify into key financial services business lines. The SEC has already accepted our application to become a Nationally Ratted Sadistic Organization, or credit ratting agency. So there'll be none of those ill-timed and entirely unnecessary downgrades on my watch,” Newton said. “We will also be entering the bond insurance marketplace, under the widely admired Goldman Rules, which limit our conflicts of interest to those that are in our interest.”
Products, who has two cell-phones, stated that the new Thingamajig will have the full confidence of the marketplace. “We can now easily and fully fund our way-off-balance sheet conduits, which are arms-length transactions and fully independent, aside from our backstop guarantees and the side-letter agreements to pass all gains and losses along to us. Our new core investor has given the market huge confidence in our operations and has told us that we will maintain much if not all of our autonomy, so long as they can occasionally have lunch with important people.”
“This is a great new era,” said former hedge fund manager Christopher Sugrue-Kavanagh, who was invited to join the board to contribute recently-acquired expertise in dealing with the more gullible elements of the Geneva, Switzerland, investment community. Eric Bloom will manage fixed income, and work closely with Sugrue in developing the bank’s expertise in raising loans and not paying them back. Canadian Paul Eustace will direct proprietary trading; his companion, Denise Nadeau, will act as head of risk management.
“I am very proud to have pulled this together so quickly,” Newton blogged. “The problem with this company was not that it was too large or complex as was so often alleged by detractors, but rather that it was not in certain businesses crucial to its business model, and lacked the required level of expertise in certain areas of its operations.”
Henry Paulson is an ethanol producer.
Congratulations on your promotion! Did you consider "The Citi Never Stinks" as the corporate motto?
Posted by: c | November 05, 2007 at 10:54