The Morons’ Moron Guide to Economic Salvation
SPEAKER: PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America’s economy.
We’re (word that rhymes with) plucked.
We’re in the midst of a serious financial crisis, and the federal government is responding with decisive action.
We’re clueless, but that won’t let that stop us taking decisive action.
Most importantly, my administration is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets.
We, the unknowing, are throwing you, the unwilling, under the bus, to save the unconscionable. We have messed up so much, for so long, at such great cost, we are now qualified to do nothing with everything. (© Mother Teresa.)
This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual company or industry. It is aimed at preserving America’s overall economy.
I repeat, this crisis is strictly contained to housing. OK, a teensy bit leaked through but only to commercial real estate, the automobile industry, retail, credit cards, gas guzzlers, and the job export industry. Other than that, tightly contained.
First, how did our economy reach this point? Well, most economists agree that the problems we’re witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business. This large influx of money to US banks and financial institutions, along with low interest rates, made it easier for Americans to get credit.
The war on drugs is working out as well as the war on terrorism. Damn furrn’uhs.
Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
Greenie, you did a heckuva job.
See, in today’s mortgage industry, home loans are often packaged together and converted into financial products called mortgage-backed securities. These securities were sold to investors around the world. Many investors assumed these securities were trustworthy and asked few questions about their actual value.
Moody’s sprayed gold paint on wet newspapers, so we could meet margin calls on the the cocaine bill.